I don’t know what it’s like to fear death. I only know what it’s like to fear life.

Dear God: Honest Prayers to a God Who Listens by Bunmi Laditan was a book that both spoke to me and didn't.  I am not religious. Perhaps the furthest thing from it. This book was actually recommended in an Instagram post by Jenny Lawson and I'm glad I took the chance on it. It felt more like poetry with a desperate, faithful touch.

Of course, some poetry is both desperate and faithful too. 

Since this was on my Kindle, I was able to highlight all of the pieces that resonated. Looking back over my "notes", the desperate resonated, not so much the faithful. If I ever needed proof I have been in a bad place, this is it.

"But if we all treated people according to what they deserved, I think we’d all be in hell."

Turning a blind eye. Turning the other cheek. Waiting for karma. All of those things are very hard when people are wearing you down.  It's also hard to get out of a dark place when it seems like your job is to be talked down to, mansplained to, and ignored.

"I didn’t love you because I confused you for your children on their worst days and equated you with buildings. You are so much more."

Christians are really sometimes the worst depiction of Christ. I'm still not a Christian but I'm going to try harder to not assume all Christians are the terrible people that 2020 showed them to be.

"Thank you for those who feed stomachs before minds, give hugs before teachings, and help pull you out of the fire before the reprimand for playing with matches."

But not all Christians. Some truly do understand how this life works and understands that they are not the ones who should be judging. They also understand that actions speak louder than all their preaching. Show me you are good, stop telling me how good you are.

"On the days hope feels like a cruel mirage, when you’re wandering, spinning in place, unable to believe there are plans to prosper and not harm you, unable to believe there are any good plans with your name on them, listen. Hope does not exist to make fools out of pilgrims, for when it is placed in the hands of the eternal, it is the scent of things to come. Let go of your imaginings of what life is meant to look like and let hope lift your soul up and away from present pains, providing respite and breath enough for one more step forward."

"Some days, I wonder who I’d be if I’d had an easier life."

I wonder who I would be without chronic pain and illness. Without a past full of hospitals, surgeries, and bullies. Where my present is full of the same and my future isn't terrifying in it's bleakness. If I could wake up and feel OK (I'm not even asking to feel good. Just OK). 

This is a beautiful book, in spite of the God talk or perhaps because of it. But probably in spite of it.

Interview with the author